August 17, 2022 —
If you’ve been tracking with me, you probably remember that we unpacked a 700-year-old Chinese ghost story that describes a reality we all face — compartmentalizing the “light and good and presentable” parts of ourselves and the “dark and scary and intense” parts of ourselves.
Our culture doesn’t often make space for these more foreboding elements of our personalities.
And too often, the same is true of our family of origin.
We’ve all been formed — there’s no avoiding that — but what are we supposed to do when we discover these dark and difficult places inside of ourselves?
Here is some practical advice that can help you begin to move towards a more holistic approach to understanding yourself.
Some ground rules: Remember, this dark place inside of yourself is not inherently evil.
Maybe you have some strong associations with choices you regret in these dark places.
That’s normal.
It’s also true that we can lean too hard into our more “acceptable/light” sides when we choose, and we can generate regret there as well.
I’ve found that it often helps to consider someone you deeply care for — flaws included.
Even if you can see some of the poor choices that this person has made, you’re still able to find a place of compassion for this person.
And not in a way that excuses, enables, or ignores poor behavior.
You’re looking for ways to call the best out of this person. You can find delight in this person, even on when a dark and difficult place surfaces.
The goal is to be able to care for yourself in a similar way.
It’s a journey and a process.
And it will take time.
Speaking of time…
1. Take the time to face the darkness inside.
It may sound simple, but you need to set aside the time to do this work.
These places won’t explore themselves.
They will, however, sneak up on you and rear their head regardless of whether you do the work to investigate your darkness.
You’ve probably had times when something affected you more deeply than you’d care to admit.
It probably made you feel childish or embarrassed — and that’s ok!
Set aside some time to process memories like this.
Remember how you felt and why you felt that way.
Ask yourself questions.
Begin to pull certain threads and follow where they lead.
If the process brings up feelings that are too intense — or you can’t bear it for 30 minutes — don’t strain yourself.
Do the best you can.
2. Take time to record your journey.
Many people find it helpful to write down their thoughts, feelings, and insights in a journal.
It can be digital or analog — whatever is easiest for you to capture your thoughts without distracting your process.
Some people will use voice capture memos and others will use old notebooks.
You can draw or write or tape pictures in your journal like a scrapbook — whatever feels like an honest expression for you.
After you’ve logged some consistent time, it can be very helpful to go back and read about your journey for the last three (or six, or nine) months.
3. Take time to find a trusted companion.
This can be one of the hardest things to do, both because it requires significant risk and vulnerability and because many people aren’t used to sitting in and among dark and difficult situations with other people.
So many people rush in to try to fix the problem or offer words of encouragement — all of which can be beautiful and helpful at the right time.
But sometimes the best thing you can offer a friend in pain is your presence in the midst of their darkness.
A trusted friend won’t flinch when you share your personal ghost stories.
You can usually tell when someone else has been through the fire themselves.
You can see it in someone’s eyes.
Or you realize that you speak the same language.
Wherever you are in your journey — start there.
Be prepared for a long road ahead.
Begin to set aside time and space to reflect on the parts of yourself that feel dark and terrifying.
Remember that these parts of yourself — your intuitive, emotional, and sensory self — are vital and important. This side of you has something to teach you if you’ll listen.
If you don’t have a companion to share these deep spaces with — keep your eyes open.
And the more comfortable you become facing your darkness, the more you’ll be able to stand with others in their painful places.
Who knows, maybe you’re the companion that someone else needs?
Take care of yourself today.
And be well.